It was an average afternoon at the Mystery Shack on a cool summer Saturday. Wendy had the day off; Stan was tackling casinos all across Oregon to regain the car while Soos tagged along with the old man. The Shack was almost empty, except for the two people that resided in the Pines Twins, and Northwest’s, room. Dipper Pines was reading another issue of ‘Mystery Monthly’ while laying down on his bed, wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt that he just started to wear from his ‘trial date’ with Pacifica. Dipper also wore a white t-shirt underneath the flannel shirt, a clean pair of jeans, and he also wore his signature cap on his head. On the opposite side of the bed was his faithful, awesome, cool, rich, and hot girlfriend Pacifica Northwest. Pacifica was sketching an image of a dress she had on her mind. Pacifica wore a very white and summertime like dress, also a pair of black boots. Pacifica’s began to sketch a lot of different dresses and styles when she decided to leave her mansion to stay at the Mystery Shack with her one true love, and his insane Twin Sister. Not only was her cage unlocked emotionally and physically, but the cage around her imagination was also unhinged as soon as she entered the world of Dipper Pines. The piece she was currently working on, as she sat on her boyfriend's bed, was something that she called ‘Romantic Inspiration.' It was a white dress that would have a pattern of blue printed trees. She would have to work out the type of patterns the trees would need to be in. As she thought of the pattern, she noticed that her blue crayon was going numb. Pacifica sighed over the poorly made utensil and looked over to Dipper.
“Where does Mabel keep the extra crayons?” Pacifica asked as she placed her sketch pad onto the bed.
“Bottom drawer, in the dresser.” Dipper said, without looking up from his magazine. Pacifica left the bed and walked over to the dresser. While doing so, she quickly glanced out of the window and then paused with a small gasp. Pacifica saw a very sad Mabel on a swing that was connected to a very sturdy branch. Mabel slowly swung back and forth with a very sad grimace on her face. Pacifica looked above Mabel and up into the tree, which had a sign attached to it, saying ‘Swing Of Depression!’. Below the sign read ‘Five Dollars Per Swing.’.
“I guess her date didn’t go so well, did it?” Pacifica asked as she contained to star at her lover's twin sister.
“Thankfully.” Dipper answered just as a good twin brother should. Pacifica sighed and turned to face him over such a heartless comment.
“Dipper! This is beginning to become a serious problem! We can’t have your sister mope around and be so emotionally drained like this! It’ll put me out of the mood.” Pacifica said with genuine concern for both her ‘Friend-in-law’ and her love life with Dipper.
“Boys come and boys go with Mabel. She’ll get over this… In ten weeks… Possibly.” Dipper said as he turned the pages of his magazine.
“Dipper, we need to help your sister, now. Or at least get her to…” Pacifica started, sighing over what she was about to say.
“Get back to the way she was before.” Pacifica painfully told Dipper her idea.
“Look, Mabel falls in and out of love all the time Pacifica! She constantly fantasizes over boys on a Twenty-Four-hour basis.” Dipper continued coldly. Dipper knew the facts with Mabel. She has hitchhiked, jogged, walked and drove down the road of breakups before, most of the drives lasting less than five hours. Mabel, however, did not gain a thicker skin when dealing with these break ups, and she would always need a shoulder to cry on. Dipper began also to create an outlook on all boys who talked with Mabel as just pure evil Demon spawns. The more he tried to intervene before the Mabel would immediately push Dipper away, telling him to ‘Stay out of our business’.
“Ever since her first crush she ever had, it just snowballed and spiraled out of control. I remember when I had my first crush on Wendy. All I ever did was try to impress her and make her feel like I was cooler than any other twelve-year-old.” Dipper said, admitting his first time in love with Wendy Corduroy.
“… You had a crush on that red haired girl?” Pacifica asked with a very sly smile, which caused Dipper to quickly slap himself in the face with his ‘Mystery Monthly’ magazine to hide his blush.
“I was twelve at the time! She looked real cool and stuff! I’m sure your first crush was real awesome and on your age level.” Dipper stated as he pouted in embarrassed anger.
“Yeah… And he still is.” Pacifica said lovingly, dropping her smug attitude as Dipper looked up to Pacifica as she looked down at him with her loving smile. Dipper smiled with Pacifica and stood up and walked over to her.
“He’s the smartest, nicest and hottest guy in the whole wide world. And I’m so glad he’s with me now.” Pacifica said as Dipper went face to face with her, then pulled her into a tight hug. They stayed like that for just a few seconds, until Pacifica forced him to release the hold.
“But as much as I enjoy our time with each other, your sister needs you Dipper.” Pacifica said as she pointed towards the window. Dipper gave a sigh and looked out of the window to see his Twin swinging by herself.
“What do you think we should do? Should we set her up with someone?” Dipper asked as he struggled to come up with an idea to help pull his sister out of the slump she was in.
“That is exactly what I was thinking.” Pacifica answered happily as she began to saunter out of the room until Dipper grabbed her by the arm and whispered something into her ear which caused Pacifica to look at him in shock.
“It’s the only way we can get her off that swing, trust me.” Dipper said as they went downstairs and through the back door of the Mystery Shack and headed towards Mabel, who was still sitting on her swing. Dipper went down on his knee and got face to face with Mabel as Pacifica decided to take her position directly behind her.
“Hey, Sis-sis! How’s it going?” Dipper said in his best cheery voice he could muster to bring up Mabel’s mood.
“I feel like I wanna die.” Mabel stated sadly as she could sound.
“Oh… That’s not… Good. Anyway, me and Pacifica have a great idea for you to get a new boyfriend! A guy who won’t dump you in the next two hours this time!” Dipper said, trying an even cheerier sounding voice this time.
“I’d rather burn in my sadness.” Mabel said sadly, beginning to swing slowly once more. Dipper then looked at Pacifica and nodded, giving her the signal to take a rag, which was drenched in Chloroform, and shoved it into Mabel’s face.
“Mhmm?! Hnnggg…” Mabel gave a surprised yelp, bet then subdued to the toxin and slumped forward as Dipper grabbed her and held Mabel over his shoulder.
“Are you sure this was the safest way?” Pacifica asked as she threw the rag into the wood.
“I know this was the quickest way. If we tried anything else, it would’ve taken us a few hours to get her butt off this swing and into the dating booth. Now come on, we have to find some guys before she wakes up.” Dipper said as he carried his unconscious sister into the Mystery Shack and soon started to set up a large staging area for Mabel to pick out her prince charming. An hour passed by as everything was set up perfectly by the two teens. The area was set, having a one way mirror placed between five boys, all numbered with small cards that they held up for Mabel to pick their numbers, and the control booth were Mabel, Pacifica and Dipper stayed in as they looked at the contestants. There was also a second room installed, named the ‘Dating Room’, due to the cheery decorations around the small room, such as penguins with top hats and other fuzzy creatures. The dating room also held a one way mirror for Dipper and Pacifica to look though to see if the date was going well, but Dipper had the final word to say what worked and what didn’t. Mabel was slowly waking up from being knocked out while Dipper held out a small plate with a foul smelling liquid under Mabel’s nose.
“Yuck! What was that!” Mabel said as she fully woke up and held her nose away from the plate.
“Some concentrated liquid from Soos’s socks. Anyway, Mabel, it’s time me and Pacifica helped you with your boy issues.” Dipper said as he threw out the tray in a small, sealable, trash bin and stood next to Pacifica to show Mabel that they were supporting her.
“It’s too late for me now… My heart has become a black hole that constantly fills itself with despair an-.” Mabel began her melodramatics once again after hearing the words ‘Boy’ and ‘Issues’ being used in the same sentence.
“Please stop complaining and listen to what your hot brother has to say.” Pacifica interrupted Mabel from getting too sad.
“… Right. Well, Mabel, we picked out a couple of guys for you to choose. Ranging from one to-.” Dipper began to say as he turned his attention to the line up of boys for Mabel to choose. He stopped, however, when he saw that one of the kids, contestant number four, stood awkwardly while wearing a large fedora, big thick sunglasses, a long trench coat, oddly shaped boots, and a giant mustache. He wouldn’t have recognized the kid at first glance until Dipper saw how tan he was, and the indent between the kids front teeth.
“Wendy, take out contestant number four.” Dipper stated with authority over the built-in speaker he had installed in the room.
“Why? Who was it?” Mabel asked as she tried to look around Dipper, who was also blocking her from seeing his arch-nemesis.
“Oh, nobody special. He just looked a little… Fishy.” Dipper said, weaving his head back and forth as Wendy escorted Mermando out of the lineup.
“Well, that makes the choices less complicated. Now Mabel, pick the guy you think you are going to have the best time with. And give it thought… For the both of us.” Pacifica said as she put her arm around Mabel and motioned her to the front of the one-way mirror to look at the four remaining boys. Mabel put a finger to her chin and pondered as she looked from contestant one to two. They both looked like an average teenager. Plain shirt, jeans, messy hair. Nothing too special there, causing Mabel to hum boringly through both of them. Mabel’s attention perked up as she saw contestant number three, who sported a bikers jacket, an American flag bandana on his head, a short, brown, handlebar mustache, bright green eyes, stitched up jeans, tall boots, and a white shirt with a bullseye on his chest. Mabel Ooo’ed at contestant number three, but what made her heart completely stop was the last contestant. Mabel gasped sharply as she saw the tall, skinny, and pale teenager. He had long, stringy blonde hair that covered up his left eye while the other brown orb was shown completely wide open, with a twinkle of fun shown in it. The lanky teen also had a long pointy nose that drooped downwards and wore a white suit shirt that was buttoned up completely. The teen also wore a very tight black bow tie on his neck, dark black pants and had matching black sneakers on his feet. His arms and legs were very stringy, almost like he had no muscles in them at all. What sold Mabel on the guy was his smile. His smile was a very wide, hearty smile. His smile stretched his face to the brink where it would look like his head would split in half from how wide it was. Regular people would call this kid a creep, but Mabel would call him sexy.
“I want that one!” Mabel said as she pointed to the tall, skinny teen. Dipper and Pacifica looked over to the last contestant to see who Mabel picked. Dipper snorted a chuckle as Pacifica elbowed him in the ribs so that he wouldn’t burst out laughing.
“Um… He looks… Odd. Are you sure you want him?” Pacifica asked kindly to Mabel.
“Uh-huh!” Mabel said as she turned around quickly while also quickly shaking her head yes.
“He looks like he’s going to be fun!” Mabel added on happily as she pressed her face to the window to face the skinny blonde.
“Well great! Candy! Grenda! Time to make over Mabel so she can be ready for her… Weirdo.” Dipper said as he struggled to keep from bursting into laughter for Mabel’s choice. Grenda and Candy quickly came into the room and escorted Mabel out towards the ‘Date Room’.
“Right this way your majesty.” Grenda said as she leaded Mabel out to have a quick makeover for her Seventy-fifth attempt for a date.
“Please give me your life Pacifica.” Candy begged over her shoulder as she lead Mabel out with Grenda to spruce her up. After the girls had left the two other teens in the room, Dipper began to laugh heavily over the situation.
“Oh man! There is no way this is even going to last! Great job on picking such a creep, Pacifica. Jeez, this is going to be funny.” Dipper laughed and commended his girlfriend on such a great job.
“Me?! I didn’t pick him! You did!” Pacifica said as she raised her voice over the confusion.
“No, I didn’t! I was supposed to pick guys one through two. You were supposed to pick guys three through four. And he’s clearly contestant…” Dipper said as he pointed to contestant number five.
“…Five?” Dipper said in shock as he saw the weird, and lanky, boy who still held up his card, still smiling widely over nothing. Dipper and Pacifica looked at each other, greatly confused over this, but decided not to pursue the matter yet and go and confront the date crasher. Dipper and Pacifica walked into the room and past the three other boys to go and confront the blonde. Dipper and Pacifica stood directly in front of the teen, but the abnormal teen did not move or stop smiling, even when they put themselves in his field of vision. Dipper looked to where the teen was starring out, only seeing the one-way mirror and then looked back at the blonde.
“Uhh… Hey.” Dipper started to say to the teenager.
“Yellow!” The blonde bellowed out loudly, which caused Dipper, Pacifica, and the other boys to jump and stare oddly at the rightfully odd teen.
“…Hi! My name is… Umm, Dipper!” Dipper said as he held out his hand to shake the blonde’s hand.
“Yellow Pine Tre-Uhh, Umm, I-I-I Mean… Uhh… Dipper!” The blonde began to shout nervously.
“Hullow Llama-A-A-Uuhh, I Mean Rich Girl! My Name Is… Hang on a minute here.” The teen said as he screwed up on his intro, now looking down into the palm of his hand to see what he had written down to say.
“William!” The blonde answered, screaming at the top of his lungs while looking back up to Dipper and Pacifica, both having an uneasy look on their faces.
“Hi… William… Can you tone it down a little?” Dipper asked with a small, awkward smile.
“How about this!” William softly yelled back.
“Just a tad lower.” Pacifica said calmly, now unfazed from the yelling.
“How about… Now?” William asked, talking in a regular indoor voice.
“Perfect! Now, Congratulations William, you are the first, and hopefully not the last, to try and win Mabel’s affection.” Pacifica stated and congratulated William on his winnings.
“Excellent… It’s all going according to pla-I-I Mean, wonderful! I can’t wait to meet Shooting Sta- I mean Mabel!” William began to shout again, now putting Dipper into a thinking frenzy. Pine Tree? Shooting Star? Llama? He’s heard Pine Tree before, but Llama? It was like he’s seen those things before on some type of wheel.
“She seems anxious to meet you, William. Just go through that door and… Try not to freak her out.” Pacifica said as she pushed William by the shoulder and lead him to the door that lead into the ‘Date Room’. William gave another wide smile and strolled straight into the room as Pacifica closed the door behind him.
“Alright, let’s hurry up and get to our booth to see if your sister is in danger… Which most likely she is.” Pacifica said as she moved back to the door that went back into the control room. Pacifica looked back quickly to see Dipper still in his pondering position, mostly thinking about how William sounded and what he referred to Dipper as.
“Dipper!” Pacifica shouted quickly, getting his attention.
“Let’s go before your sister gets carved up by that lunatic.” Pacifica said as she opened the door and rushed her way into the second control room that looked into the ‘Date Room’. Dipper gave chase, still thinking about what William said as he took his seat next to Pacifica to see how William’s and Mabel’s date was going. Mabel was out of her black sweater and skirt and into a red, sparkly dress that hugged her body ever so snuggly. She already was propping her head up with her elbows as she put on her best lovers gaze, and lovers smile for William.
“So… I’m Mabel.” Mabel said as she held out her hand to greet her “Man”.
“Pleasure to meet you Shooting Star! The names William!” William said with a toothy grin, taking Mabel’s hand up to his lips and pecking it softly. Dipper would normally go thermo-nuclear over this action he was seeing, but he couldn't get what William said out of his mind.
“William! That sounds so… Exotic!” Mabel said feistily.
“I guess you could say I’m out of this world. I’m a real party animal too. Speaking of animals, I love ‘em! Especially deer!” William said, trying to state his perfections for Mabel.
“Really? Do you like pigs? Cause I got a pet one!” Mabel said, proudly stating her ownership of her pet.
"You got a pet pig huh? That’s… Hot?” William said as Mabel sighed dreamily over the compliment. Pacifica was softly smiling over this scene, thinking that since Mabel was so random and weird, and William already had the whole ‘Creepy guy who will probably spend the rest of his life in his parents basement’ attitude, this was more than just a perfect match. However, Dipper still couldn’t stop thinking about William’s voice. The way he sounded, what he called him. Now Dipper was inspecting what William was wearing. The Bowtie was familiar too. The black pants with the equally black shoes. The lanky arms. Golden hair. The One Eye. It all looked so familiar, but where did he see it before?
“So…” William said, managing to catch Dipper’s attention as he leaned over the table and blocked out a penguin with a top hat on his head, just having the top hat hover over his head.
“Do we have a deal?” William said as he outstretched his hand towards Mabel for her to shake it.
“Oh my god.” Dipper said in a shocked voice, then shooting up and out of his chair, running all the way to the other side of the ‘Date Room’ to crash into the scene.
“Hmm… Deal!” Mabel said and clasped her hand around William’s
“No!” Dipper yelled as he bursted inside of the ‘Date Room’.
“Ugh, Dipper! Why are you interfering when you set this whole thing up in the first place!” Mabel said as she turned around in her chair and crossed her arms, pouting.
“Mabel, That’s Bill!” Dipper shouted, pointing towards William.
“No, I’m William with a W, not Billiam with a B.” William scoffed as he stood up from his chair, shooting down the accusation with his flawless logic.
“He calls me Pine Tree, He called you Shooting Star! Who else calls us that besides Bill?!” Dipper shot out another accusation.
“Well… I called you Pine Tree because of… Your… Hat!” Will said as he looked around the room, finally coming up with a reason as of why he would call Dipper Pine Tree.
“And the reason I call hottie over here Shooting Star is because she’s the Star of my life.” Will continued his reasoning.
“See! That’s true love Dipper, like what you and Pacifica have! Besides, Bill wears a top hat!” Mabel began to deduce how different Bill and Will were from each other.
“Yeah! Bill wears a top hat! See, no top hat! And also, I heard he was a triangle, and I’m not a shape!” Will said as he defended himself.
“What deal did you make him?! Tell Me!” Dipper said as he rushed over to his twin sister and shook her violently for an answer.
“None of your beeswax Pine Tree!” Will said as he crossed his arms and held his head up high.
“Yeah! None of your bees knees Maple Tree!” Mabel mimicked her soon to be boyfriend. Dipper slowly turned his attention from his sister to Will, giving him the harshest death stare any twin brother could give.
“Mabel… Leave us.” Dipper said as he pushed Mabel aside and faced the soul devourer head on.
“What! No! He’s my boyfriend Dipper, why don’t you go suck face with Pacifica!” Mabel said angrily, trying to tug Dipper by the arm and out of the room.
“Mabel, just trust me! Leave us alone.” Dipper said coldly, causing Mabel to give a giant grunt and rush out of the room angrily as Dipper closed it softly behind her.
“I know who you are.” Dipper said coldly which would give a normal person a small chill down their spine. However, Dipper wasn’t dealing with a normal person.
“Yeah, well I know who you are to Pine Tree!” Will said as he turned his body away from Dipper, crossing his arms once more.
“Drop the act, Now!” Dipper said, still as cold as ever.
“… Alright, so you figured it out. But I kinda, want to make something work out between me and your Shooting Star! She’s nice, random, sweet, crazy, gullible, all the qualities I want out of a human!” Bill said, beginning to defend himself.
“Besides, I’m kinda… Stuck like this.” Bill said as he pointed to his human body.
“What?” Dipper said, not believing a single word that came out of the dream demons mouth.
“I heard you left one of the journals back at the Shack, so I went into incognito mode to go and get it… And I forgot how to turn back… Okay! I can’t turn back!” Bill said as he stomped in place when he made his point.
“… Prove it.” Dipper ordered his arch-enemy.
“What? How?” Bill asked as Dipper looked around the room so that Bill could test his magic out safely.
“Turn that candle into a snake and make it bite me.” Dipper said as he pointed to the electrical candle on the table.
“Uhh… Fine.” Bill said as he began to roll up his sleeves and began to motion with his hands and arms in a few different positions, making his face turn red as he tried his heart out to make the electronic turn into a serpent and attack his enemy.
“Ga! Ahh! Hnng! Hah!… See?” Bill said as he finally gave up and slumped down back into his chair, out of breath.
“So let me get this straight. You turned into a lanky, creepy, blonde haired teen so you could steal the journals I used to stop all sorts of monstrosities, and you can’t turn back?” Dipper stated, summing up the situation so that he could easily understand everything.
“Why don’t you just laugh about it while you put it that way. This body sucks! I got no magic, and I have all these crazy emotions and urges! Like at first, I saw your sister just as putty to mold and squish around with in games I would play to screw around with mortals. But now, I want to make something work out between us! Like, what’s up with that?” Bill said, fully weirded out by his urges.
“What deal did you make her?” Dipper asked his last question as cold as possible.
“Okay… I didn’t mean it literally or physically at all alright?” Bill began to say as Dipper continued to shoot a death stare towards him.
“I just made a deal where I would always take care of her, be there, love her always, in exchange… For… Her… Heart.” Bill slowly said, wincing over how wide Dipper’s eyes widened over what his sister promised him.
“Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Look, If I wanted her heart, I would have it in my hand right now! But since I’m clearly not awesome or magical anymore, I can’t do anything like that!” Bill said, trying to make Dipper to calm down and not charge at him and strangle him. Dipper began to contemplate the situation fully. On one hand, he just set up his sister with a Demonic Dream Tormentor that could cause mass chaos and destruction with just the snap of his fingers. But, on the other hand, it appeared that he didn’t have any powers anymore. Either way, Dipper had to make a threat to make sure Bill understood who was in charge.
“Listen to me carefully you demon spawn.” Dipper said as he leaned over the table and pointed straight at Bill, who in turn crossed his arms and held his pointy nose up high.
“If your Ever, Ever, Hurt my Sister, I will rip you apart! Limb! From! Lim-!” Dipper started to begin to threaten Bill as the door from the boys side of the staging area bursted open as a very small and pudgy teen, who was sporting a jail yard jumpsuit, was panting his lungs out from running all the way to the Mystery Shack.
“Am I too late for the contest?” The smaller and magical teenager said.
“Gideon?!” Dipper stated in shock over seeing yet another arch-enemy appear out of the blue.
“Small fry?” Bill said annoyed as he turned around and saw his former business accomplice.
“How did you get out of jail?” Dipper asked as he pointed his finger from Bill to Gideon.
"Warden forgot to lock my cell again! Now, where’s my Apple Crumb?” Gideon said as he lightly bounced on his feet.
“Straight through that door, Pint-size.” Bill said as he patted Gideon on the back and pointed towards the door behind Dipper. Dipper gave Bill yet another angry look until he saw Gideon begin to run in place due to Bill holding the back of Gideon’s jumpsuit. Soon, Gideon fully tuckered himself out and crashed onto the floor, gasping and wheezing for air.
“Ah, there he is.” Said the voice of a state trooper of Oregon County as he came into the date room from where Gideon crashed into.
“Sorry for the trouble guys, I’ll just take the little guy back to his cell.” The State Trooper said in his grizzly voice as he picked up Gideon and carried him away from the Mystery Shack.
“See! I’m a good guy now!” Bill said, making one last claim that he turned his life around, causing Dipper to sigh and rub his chin viscously over what to do next. After a few more minutes, Dipper came out of the room, holding Bill by the arm while Mabel had just stopped pacing around the back door of the ‘Date Room’. Mabel looked worriedly at Dipper, then towards Bill, waiting for any sign of approval from her twin.
“I’m keeping a close eye on the both of you. Don’t do anything stupid, and just be happy with each other.” Dipper said as he gave a strong shove, causing Bill to shuffle forward, landing straight into the spine crushing arms of Mabel Pines.
“Oh, William! I knew we’d be together in the end!” Mabel said as she rubbed her head viciously on the lanky teens arm. While Mabel was cuddling with Bill, Dipper made his way over to Pacifica and looked back on the new couple he had just created.
“She looks like she’s going to be distracted with Will for a while.” Pacifica said as she draped an arm around Dipper’s back.
“Pacifica… It’s about William… He’s actually a-.” Dipper started, until Pacifica placed her finger to Dipper’s mouth, to shush him.
“Would you please stop worrying so much, and just enjoy our new free time.” Pacifica said as she embraced Dipper, feeling now free from Mabel annoying behavior. Pacifica and Dipper hugged each other for a while until Pacifica softly opened her eyes to see Mabel staring straight out her with a competitors frown while cuddling into Bill’s arm. Pacifica gave a small chuckle, agreeing to this competition and quickly snuggled into Dipper’s neck, causing Dipper to inhale slightly. Mabel then responded with multiple licks to the side of Bill’s face.
“Uhh… Please… Stop that.” Bill said, disgusted over the licks. Pacifica decided then to make a bolder move by taking Dipper by the face and began to kiss him passionately. Pacifica opened her eyes once again to see Mabel give out a giant gasp, and then lower Bill down and performed a dip kiss on him.
“Mhh! Hnn! Mmhh!” Bill yelped out in surprise as Mabel and Pacifica began a new weird and strange competition to see who could please the other’s boyfriends the most. And the bedroom was not off limits.
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